zero to hundred and back again, how we fuck up early on in dating


Dating in 2015 is more laissez faire than ever before. There are apps on apps on apps that allow us to meet a potential (play)mate at the swipe of a finger. It’s become common to go on multiple dates with multiple people all within the same week, or even the same day. It’s not slutty, nor is it frowned upon. It is what it is. Unless you’re in a committed monogamous relationship, anything seems to go. We’re less abiding of a set of proposed rules on how one should be to ‘seal the deal’ and we’re more authentic with our connections, since we know if we don’t vibe with this match, then there’s someone else in our phones who could be better suited instead. To the left.

But sometimes you just click with a certain someone and seemingly fall into a relationship and pattern of being together, even if you’re not looking for a relationship or something serious. Such is the state of affairs when two like-minded people connect, vibe and feel confident and comfortable enough with themselves to not play games and just be real. Which is all well and good, until it’s not. Because life happens. Commitments. Work. Hobbies. Needing to spend time with family and friends.

A week of fucking off and putting this new other in front of your other priorities is fine, but late nights and early mornings isn’t all that attainable overtime. And so, after that initial buzz and intrigue dies down and reality clicks in, it feels like you’ve taken a huge step back. Because it seems like someone has backed off. And maybe they have. Or maybe they’re just busy with their life and know daily sleepovers and booze binges and netflix + chill sessions aren’t the healthiest ways to spend the odd few hours of free time they get in the eve, before going back to the workday grind come morn.

We go from zero to a hundred and back again so goddamn fast. We let people leave toothbrushes at ours, we give out our key so they can have easy access into our visitor parking in our condos. And then, when we don’t hear from them, or worse, we hear from them but they’re busy doing them and you’re busy in your own world doing you, the insecurities emerge. Did we move too fast? Did I scare this person away? Are they seeing someone else? Are they upset that I’m seeing someone else? When these negative nonsensical thoughts start to stem in that imaginative little head of yours, it does more harm to the relationship – whatever the status of it might be – than good. Because it causes you to take a step back, which makes you have to monitor yourself. And when we monitor ourselves, we’re no longer acting naturally or authentically. And it’s usually that organic way of being which draws someone to you in the first place. So basically, we’re all fucked. The dynamic shifts. You look at your phone more. You’re almost waiting to be either dumped, or to make tangible plans so you can see this other in person and sense what the energy is like so you can understand what’s actually up.

These types of relationships need clarification. They need communication. We don’t need to be needy and get constant reassurance, but if your sixth sense is telling you something’s up, there’s likely truth to that. So ask. Shoot a text. Check in to make sure you’re on the same page. And if you’re not, then you’ll deal with it then. But it’s better than making assumptions, expecting the worst, and letting the cracks of your insecurity get the best of you. You’re amazing. There’s someone out there for you, but it just might not be this person you thought you had something extra with.

And if you’re the one doing the backing off, know that good communication and straight forwardness is the best policy. I’ll be talking about this in more detail on Indie 88 in Toronto on The Morning After Show next week. But basically: if you were hot and heavy with someone, and you’ve met someone else or you just know that you don’t see yourself hanging with the person you were seeing again, be a mensch and just let the person know what up. You don’t need to have a whole intense talk in person, or even a deep phone call. Just shoot them a text, tell them you had fun with them but want to explore other options and you can both move forward, no harm done.

With silence and ghosting comes the opportunity to have another try to figure shit out on their own or with friends. No one wants to analyze and deal with feelings of unknown rejection. Respect someone enough to call shit off, if that’s where your head is at, even if you weren’t ever really in an official relationship in the first place.

– Jen

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