The overlap; dating an ex’s friend and than dealing with the aftermath

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Isn’t it awfully sad – when you really think about it and admit it to yourself – how you lose certain people in your life because you’ve added another into it? Small p politics, and so the story goes. A girl we were once friendly with finds out your bestie is dating her ex, and suddenly deletes you off all her social accounts and gives you that cut-eye look when she sees you out at an event. Perhaps going so-far as to whisper something to whoever is nearest her, while looking your way, with an intent to intimidate you and send the message home. Or that guy you used to hook-up with (and chill with on occasion) who found out you had a more-than fling with a close friend of his, and writes you off for whatever reason he tells himself he should, yet who still talks to his buddy, no doubt.

People and emotions and acting on them in-the-moment (and far after the fact) seem to all go hand and hand, and yet it’s all really rather petty if you think of it. And yet, people do it. They write you off because of whatever their insecurities are, and just like that you are left in the dust, innocent though you are. Because you’re human and can make your own decisions as an adult. But these consequences for just living? Are they really necessary? I thought we got out of high school long ago, so why all the drama?

I mean lets get real here. We’re in our thirties. We’re no spring chicken any longer. There are going to be overlaps, sexually and otherwise, because the world is all too small, and birds of a feather most definitely flock together. Must we all be so goddamn uptight and let something so inconsequential get the best of us that it tarnishes relationships of sorts, and makes us act with impure intentions when the other person comes up (either in person or in conversation?)

Fuck no.

Get over it, and yourself. Accept that you don’t have the right or ownership to somebody you’re no longer even dating or with. If you were in a great, healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with someone than it’s one thing. But if things didn’t work out with you and them, why wouldn’t you want them to find someone cool who you already back to end up with? Why not let them be happy, without taking it personality and trying to find power and a one-up in controlling a situation beyond your control?

I’ll tell it to you straight up: People are going to bang your ex and someone is going to fall in love with them, who they might fall for in return. And you, no longer being with them, can and will not change that, try as though you might. This object of their affection might be someone you don’t know, but it will likely be someone you do. Acting on jealousy or insecurity or in a negative way, and treating them negatively because of it has the opposite effect of what you’re likely going for. It makes you look weak. It makes you look like the world revolves around you, and I’m sorry to report that it doesn’t.

So be the bigger person. Realize this isn’t about you and never was. Realize that two people met without the intention of harming you in anyway, and just followed their instincts on how to act accordingly. There’s no reason to cut someone from your life because of small p politics. If we did that, no one would have any friends any more. The overlap is real, and the sooner you accept it, the happier and less drama free everyone in your little social circle will be.

– Jen

Photo cred.

3 Responses to The overlap; dating an ex’s friend and than dealing with the aftermath

  1. Mike says:

    I say no prob. BUT if you as a woman, date anyone from my past or anyone I ever knew, after me, you’re dead to me for the rest of your life. I never want to see her again. Ever. She’s a write off permanently. Just to be a prick. I’d want her to see it as one of those big mistakes in life. Maybe she will, maybe Im over confident and she won’t, but either way, by doing that, she wrote me off the pg, forever, absolutely forever, and I don’t ever want to see her face again. Especially if her friends rubbed it in mine. Personally, I hate drama at this point in my life. I’m happily single, and might just stay that way for the rest of my life.

  2. Mike says:

    Not that people don’t get over things, I am even though, I don’t seem, I really am better than ever, way better than ever, and who knows? Maybe a person is better off with the other person, but you shouldn’t have to deal with “aftermath”. If you find yourself often needing to deal with an “ aftermath” like a war or a hurricane, chances are pretty good it was more trouble than it was worth, I’m just saying if you deal somebody a double, triple, or even quatruple beating, hopefully you consider everything, from all angles before you would do something drastic. Number 1 is don’t ever expect to go back at any level. Unless you know a real sucker, it takes quite a bit to kill romantic feelings in me, a lot. If I love a woman, she could go away, ghost me, if it was strong, I am going to hold out hope for 10 years, I’ll get on with my life, I’ll try to better myself, I’ll be hurting, maybe deeply, but what can you do but get on with it? Life goes on, you could kill yourself, but why not just get on with it, right? She could come back 10 years later after an adventure, and chances are I’d be still missing her. BUT if one of those adventures is, for example, meeting people, old friends I haven’t talked to since long before I even met her, they get together, mingle, discuss me, and torture the fuck out of me with it from the outside…. You humiliate me that deeply, while I am tortured without you, when I get over you and see it for what it is, I hope you’re really happy with them, and you don’t ever expect to see me again. There is no way, I want anything to do with you,knowing you could very well still be associating with these people. They are absolutely part of your life now, and I never intended to go back. You joined them. My point is by doing that, you Indefinitely said good bye to me, so if it doesn’t work out with them, I hope it was worth it, and I wasn’t because now you have no choice but to move on. Very hard to kill it in me, but if you do, it had to be a doozie. Like you really blew it. And no, I’m not one of your ex’. Just saying on experience.

  3. Mike says:

    I’ll also add that its been 4 years give or take a few months since I honestly washed my hands of it, like I honestly said “fuck it, I am fucking done”, I found other things to occupy my mind and boost my self esteem which was destroyed, and I’ve met and know people who’ve restored my faith in me and in everybody else, but if its been so long, and I say “alright… You all win. You all stay together, I don’t want anything to do with any of it or you, I’m out. Good seeing you…”, you should not have a beef with me. There shouldn’t be any fighting, or bitching, pissing, picking fights, etc, because that’s what everyone wanted. We all got our asses kicked. I got my ass kicked for stupid reasons, jealousy and other petty shit that I had no control of like how she feels, and I kicked some people’s ass at the end, because they deserved it. Then, after I got something out of it, after that long, I said ” I’m done with it… You win” and I left everything there, started over, and did/am doing pretty fucking good. I think at this time, after this long, if people on that side still haven’t a beef, maybe it’s time to let go yourself. You shouldn’t need me in the equation, what you need is a life that fulfills your desire for drama. Get a new willing person to date you and you can at least give them some sex to deal with your BS. It’s over between her and I and many of her friends looking for problems I’ve never met, and from what I can tell, I wouldn’t want to know. They’re idiots. Losers. Get on with it. She’s not getting back in here. If you want her and you can deal with her BS, enjoy, if not accept that any fallout that came from fucking with was actually your fault, entirely, its over and move on. Get a life or worry about your own life. Better yourself, lose some weight, quit drinking, whatever, just get on with it. You made the decisions, learn from them.

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