text history + the moment that was

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There’s a pit in my stomach and it expands to my throat. That choking feeling that happens when I’m so overwhelmed with emotion. A change of heartbeat. Unsettled. How wondrous it is how the body physiologically responds to thoughts. Right before these bodily functions occurred, I was revisiting some text message history with an extraordinary guy I dated a couple months ago. I went into our history to look something up, but to get to that message I had to scan up through our last messages. And I smiled. And felt immediate gratitude for what we had as I was reminded of that powerful, shared bond.

How easy it is to forget. To forget moments shared, sentences uttered, feelings fulfilled. As we carry on in life, we’re constantly making new memories ,and as we go through the motions of our life as we know it, we tend to forget some of the past parts. Like this. Because just because my mind either forgot about him, or did that whole out of sight, out of mind thing, my body remembered. When reading those words my body immediately responded and transformed me to that place where those feelings lived. They were revived just by the written reminder. Magic.

This is why I blog. This is why I Tweet. This is why I save text history. To bring me back. To remember. To relive. This blog is like a diary of sorts. Six years worth of material made up of moments, heartaches and heartbreaks and the beginning of something new with someone new time and time again. Friends come and gone. Family members who I’ve had difficult times with. Drama and then alas, ease as I’ve entered my thirtysomethings and removed all the negative energy and people that effected me so. It’s lessons learned through experience of good and bad. It’s reflecting on life and being open enough with myself and others to share these tales in hopes to make others feel less alone.

I don’t think moving on need be so cut and dry. Though you move on from someone emotionally and physically, doesn’t mean you can’t honour them and what you shared. Reach out casually if you’re thinking of them. Or if you’re reminded of something that you think will make them smile. If the split was amicable, there’s no need for you to delete their digits from your contact list. There’s no reason to never talk to them again, just so you can look like the strong one who doesn’t give AF. Life is all about learning and growing. It’s about being able to express yourself and how you feel while you are currently feeling it. Because what a waste it is to stay mum and not be open. If only we were all expressive about how we really feel towards others, maybe we’d all be happier. Instead we’re scared of rejection or not having our feelings mirrored back. Pride gets the best of us, so the story goes. That and not wanting to give mixed messages, because many feel the past is best left in the past. But there are grey areas that should be tended to instead of following proper protocol.

Be brave. Be open with how you feel while you’re still alive, and take time to look back on passings of time with people from your past who somehow, made your whole body radiate with good, loving vibes.

– Jen

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