i want your dick, just not in my phone


There’s a major crisis going on in the world right now. Major. And I call said crisis: The Dick Pic Epidemic.

Why in gods name are men sending images of their dicks to women they barely know (let alone sending them at all?) I am so very dumbfounded by this. I just don’t seem to understand why this is going down? Who are the women who encourage and condone men to send them the money shot? How cocky are the guys who are so into their manhood they need to celebrate it by offering it to the strangers of the world? I mean seriously, what has happened in the dick-pic-senders of the worlds lives that they feel that this is a way to pursue a woman? What ever happened to sending flowers?

If you’ve ever been the recipient of a dick pic, you know what I’m talking about. There are just some things you can’t unsee.

I was out at a bar late last week and met a dashing dude. We exchanged numbers as he was heading out to another bar with his buddy. He texted me later that evening to apologize for leaving. Sweet, right? Totes. But then he just had to go fuck it up by following up said message with a second shot. A close up image of his peen. No warning. Just there. Out there. Taken in what I assume is the washroom at the next bar, since there was also a toilet in the shot. Typing this induces a form of nausea on my end. What did I do to deserve this? There was no talk of sex in the short time we talked. To be honest, I don’t even remember his name, though I recall his buddy telling me he plays in the NHL. This is everything that is wrong with dating right now. If we don’t come together and speak up, our phones are going to be more filled with dicks than we are.

I don’t know how we found ourselves here, but I have to explicitly tell people I start dating not to send me a dick pic. It’s almost just as bad as having the talk. Oh honey, of course I’m sure it’s perfect, and I’m sure you’re great with camera angles and give good selfie down where you think it counts, but no one wants to see that!

If you want a woman to remember you fondly, send her a text with a sweet sentiment. Treat her well when you’re with her so she’ll think about you on her own. Send her some Snaps of you during your day. Call her on the phone. Hey, you can even sext her, because everyone is doing it. But lets not bang out unasked-for pics.

When you’re dating someone long distance or if you don’t live with your other half, you got to do things to keep the chemistry alive. To ensure sexual frustration need not apply. It’s common these days to have your guy get off, while the girl watches over Skype, Snapchat, or whatever other method of choice does it for you. Or sexting. Bantering back and forth about banging one another to ensure that you’re both on the same sexual page early on when dating someone, so you don’t need to wonder whether that was or was not a date; whether they are or they’re not interested in you in that way. What makes these ok is that they’re a shared experience with two grown, consenting adults. An unannounced, delivered dick pic to ones inbox, foregoes the much needed consent. Am I beating the horse with the stick here? Word from the wise: do the sexting. Do the playful video. But for fucks sake don’t do the dick pic. You’re welcome, everyone.

– Jen

PS: Dad, if you’re reading this. This post is completely fictional. Love ya! Thanks for being my number one fan.

 Photo cred.

One Response to i want your dick, just not in my phone

  1. mike says:

    As a man, I think most guys today are idiots. I’ve done this, within the last decade, with one girl woman I was with long distance, I did many things there that I consider valuable lessons in love, life, sex, that I would never do again. I look at guys I know in their early 20 who would fuck a knot in tree if they could lube it enough, I see them glued to their dating/fuck sites pretty much every waking moment, I hear how every single word that comes out of their mouth, every single word has to do with “that chick” “the ass on that chick” or how one minute their sleeping in the back room on break at work, hear a woman walk into the shop and ask me a question, and suddenly, their up and out to see who it is when normally a jack hammer won’t wake them up, and it’s annoying as hell. Is sex and the opposite sex really honestly that big of a deal you? I sit back, try to keep quiet, even avoid the women in my life, and guess what? They are usually all over me. Sometimes all over me rather than him. He’s trying, half my age, not a bad looking guy, kicking himself right in the ass, and they’re interested in me. The guy who says nothing, barely visible, hard to get a hold of.

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