fuck you + your cheap wine, you’re both not wanted here

dating advice

Read between the lines. You’ve gone on one, two dates in the past week and he suggests coming over with a bottle of wine to yours. Think it’s sweet because he’s offering to court you with a bottle? Think he’s all about tending to you and your to-be-tantalized taste buds? Think again. Dude wants to get his dick wet. A date at ones house within the first week of dating isn’t a date, it’s a plan. And so, don’t be that girl that lets him come over and DICKtate the plans. I don’t care how scruffy-faced, tall and foxy this well-put together gent may be (even if he’s good on paper, to boot,) don’t put yourself in that all-too obvious and borderline desperate posish. Good on paper though he might be, it ends there.

Sure, you might wanna get laid yourself. But what I see in this scenario is a suitor who isn’t willing to splurge and spend coin on your fine, fierce ass. This is the same sort of bro who asks to split the bill on the first date, or suggests you get the next round. He’s also the same sort of guy who asks if you’re taking him out when you suggest dinner and drinks. If he’s stingy with his money, you bet your bottom dollar he’s stingy behind closed doors. What’s he going to do? Bring a $9 of red over to yours so you can simultaneously choke on it and his dick? Fuck that (not literally though, girl. LETS BE CLEAR.)

It’s an awkward position to be in, especially these days when the ‘What should we do tonight?’ convo takes place over text, which requires no need to respond immediately, or at all. If he suggests coming to yours and it’s not up your alley, speak up. Tell him it’s not your thing, ask for a raincheque once you get to know one another better, and suggest a local wine bar (that’s within budget, I suppose.) If he’s still not down, or guilts you by saying he has an early morning and needs to have a chill night in, then cut your goddamn losses. If he’s into you, he’d agree to meet you out. Trust me. He would just suggest an earlier time, or would limit his intake. A man who says otherwise or pressures to come to yours when you’ve expressed your disinterest is not only a piece of shit, but doesn’t deserve your goddamn time. Or more than.

But try him if you insist. Tell him what you want and let him take it from there. If he still makes excuses because you’re not saying yes (to him and what’s between his legs) then delete his digits and move on. It is what it is. This guy has done you a very good favour and has saved you time so you can meet another who’s worthy of it.

Just do you. Don’t write off men altogether, nor should you write off whatever dating app you found this random fucker on. It’s not you, it’s him. Stick to your guns, stick to your morals (or “rules”) and you’ll be rewarded tenfold. But whatever you do, know that if you say yes to this offer because you want to see him oh so bad, you’re teaching him he can just hit you up whenever and however he likes, and that you’re cool with it. Is that what you want? Best to have wine on your lonesome while you continue that marathon of Masters of None, girl. I mean, what would Aziz do? #WWAD

– Jen

Photo cred.

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