come to me

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And just like that, you’re ready. No warning. No signs. You just are. And you try to analyze where these feelings to grow – and try something different on for size – stem from, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. It could be him? It could be the him prior who already got you thinking about the idea of settling down? Or it could just be where you’re at and what you’ve gone through and a knowingess that this one is worth investing in, if only you both let it. What has he done to you?! You have no clue.

But what you do know is you want him. His company. His presence. His thick-tattooed arms wrapped around your pint-sized self. In his bed. In his car. In his kitchen. At his work. In the streets. At the bars. On walks through the leaf-ridden, off-leash dog park. There. Here. Everywhere. To catch yourself clad in a smitten smile, propped up on your tippy toes so you can take his scruffy, handsome face in your itty-bitty hand(s) just so you can reach up to his ever-talented tongue, while being your playful selves in the kitchen before beginning and wrapping your day.

And when not in his presence? You want to know that he’s just a phone call away and you have each others backs and hearts in mind when you’re separated and doing you, as two ambitious and determined people do to get where they want to be independently so they can be their best selves with you by their side. This is what you know, though the details of how to make it work you don’t, because connections come when you’re least expecting; when you’re least ready.

Something brought you guys together; something made you open up and share yourselves and your affection and just jump right into the deep end, because the time was nigh. It was now or never. So you both jumped in unguarded and unsure of what would come, neither of you expecting this. Call it crazy. Call it chaotic. But it felt right and it happened and it worked.

Mutual respect. Shared affection and admiration. Fun. Light. An ease. Kissing in the kitchen. Kissing in the car. Pulling each other into restaurant washrooms and outdoor alleyways because holy hell you can’t get enough. It’s cute and it works. Snap judgments, moving fast, and hard, and falling ever so slightly. Record scratch. Because after the initial lovestoned, spending every-single-moment together fades and reality and some separation kicks in, the time and space allows what’s next to happen…

Falling. Feelings. Fear of being hurt. Fear of not being ready or deservent of this love or good enough, or all these stories we tend to tell ourselves when we meet someone that inspires us and admires us and innately treats us in a way that makes us feel special and considered. And so, what do we do as thirtysomething year old adults when we connect on a deep level with someone, the odd time it happens in this dating app day in age? We run. We push them away. We send them a text as soon as all cards are on the table and both parties have shared their mutual interest, and we tell them we’re sorry, but we aren’t ready. Fuck that shit.

Patterns. Ways of being that work for us. That keep us safe. That protect us from being hurt. Running. Closing the door. Cutting off another. Putting up a guard. It’s so easy to stay status quo when it comes to love and capital F Feelings. We self protect like none other. And yet, by being open to and challenging ourselves to give into our heart (whether it makes sense or not) is when we can really heal the scars of a heart torn past. When we allow someone to see who we really are, flaws et al., and realize they are still standing there, ready to hold us and support us in all the ways we may not yet able to support ourselves, cheering us on when we need it most, only then can we see our true, full potential.

I’m sick and tired and so very over people making excuses for themselves. Trust me, I’m no angel. An expert though I might be called, I still get fucked up when my feelings catch me by surprise. And I’ve been known to self sabotage my fair share. But I’m also mindful and self-aware enough to catch myself before it’s too late. To communicate and apologize for my wrong doing or mistakes and to seek forgiveness and the opportunity to move forward. I’m ok with going after what I want, making my intentions known, and allowing someone I care for to decide if that works for them, instead of waiting and willing and hoping for the best. Because you don’t get if you don’t ask.

You’ll never grow or establish anything of value if you don’t put yourself out there and tell ‘em how you really feel and express your expectations instead of hiding and taking the easy route, which simply is non-doing.

It’s frustrating when people don’t tell us what we want to hear. Or when we feel such a strong connection to another and want to explore them and said connection, but they won’t give it a chance. It’s frustrating when someone reassures you that they’re not going to go anywhere, and to believe in your connection and that things won’t change because they feel just as strongly as you, and then one week later says something completely different.

But if they change so quickly, maybe it’s the pressure and confusion and the surprise of all these feelings throwing them for a loop. Go easy. Roll with it. Be patient. And if you think they’re worth it, maybe don’t be so black and white. Maybe take things slow and a step back and challenge them to make efforts on their end when it feels right, because when we push, we push others away. They feel that pressure and it becomes overwhelming and they’ll run. Sadly, I’ve learned this the hard way. But when we give things time, they play out how they’re meant to.

But a word to those of you who care hard for another but don’t know where it will lead, or who think it’s better to run than to get hurt? Stop yourself. Stop being complacent. Open your heart, lay down your walls and give them a chance. It may be a story worth reading, instead of a short chapter. You may be pleasantly surprised.

– Jen

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