Today is the day the music died. I’ve decided to deactivate my Tinder account. Oh, Tinder. The source of many an entertaining eves. A spot where I got to meet new people, got back on the dating scene and, got plenty of material. But more than that, in the end, I got to meet someone pretty fucking rad. And by rad I mean just as crazy as I am, hot as fuck and a keeper, at least for now. Go figure. So with that said and done, I’ve decided to stop dating around and explore with this one other, and let some other gents who were in my life know that things gots to wind down. A big step of that is to say peace out to Tinder, until next time. So as this love affair with a dating app that found me success has come to an end, I thought I’d take a look back at some of my Tinder highlights, for your pleasure. Cue: Time of your life. No seriously. Listen to it while you read these tales. It’s the only way it can be done with the real, ironic and making-fun-of-it effect it should have.
I met my overly tatted and phenomenally bearded date outside a live music venue, about a half hour before his performance. He invited me to come watch him and his band jam, something I get way more often than I’d like to admit to from guys on Tinder. I arrived and we both liked what we saw. That is, until he opened his mouth. The first question he asked me – after complimenting and making me feel like a fucking goddess who finally met a hopeless romantic -was: do you want some mushrooms? Though I appreciated his offer (not really) I refused (not my scene) but suggested we start off with a drink. He bought me a beverage from one of the two bartenders working that night, while admitting to me that him and his band mates just ate a shit ton of shrooms. Of course they did. Oh, Tinder. The bar was clearly overstaffed, since I was the only person in attendance for their show. But I dug their tunes and figured I’d just have a good night and fun times with them. That was until they played their closing song for the night, aptly titled: sit on my face.
Dick pic guy
A young looking gent and I matched somehow on the app. As soon as I received my first message from him I realized he only matched with me because a guy friend, gay friend or girlfriend (or stylist, or colourist, or makeup artist, or intern of mine) who was fucking around on my phone swiped him for jokes. He shot me a message that was pretty sorta meh, and I failed to respond, because why the eff would I? The next day he hit me up again. An hour later, again. A few minutes later again. He still had yet to hear from my not-so-interested self, so took the fucking hint and didn’t write me back. I dodged that one, I thought. That is, until he messaged me yet a fuckin’ gain a few days later. “Jeepers, do I have to send you a picture of my dick to get your attention around here?”, he said. I said that my notifications were off on my phone, and reassured him that NO, a dick pic need not apply. His response? Well, if you apologize I’d love to text you a bunch of pictures of my penis. #unmatch
I want you naked guy
The first babely gent I matched with on Tinder had it all. Great beard. Was in from out of town for work. Successful (and owned a very Googlable company.) Similar industry. Sexy as fuck. We met at my local dive bar, a lazy move on my part, but wanted a place where I could feel super comfortable and show the fuck off to him. I walked in – and for the first time – was dazzled by the fact that he was in the same rating as I was. He’s my kind of guy. Our date went well. We talked about being entrepreneurs and the passion we both had for being our own boss. We drank drinks, vibed to the tunes and made many a suggestive, subtle eye fucks at one another. The night ended with a sweet kiss on the cheek and mention about how much he comes back to Toronto and wants to see me again, and again, and again. It was refreshing. It was endearing. But then he texted me on his oh-so-short Uber drive home saying “The only reason I didn’t kiss you is because I knew I’d get you naked.” He went into more explicit detail dropping words that started with the letter P and words that rhyme with right/fight/bite. Oh Tinder, you never cease to amaze me. Needless to say, I screengrabbed the shit out of that and, though he’s a successful, insanely physically attractive dude, Imma move the fuck on.