Close eyes. Open eyes. Deep breath right from the chest. Lungs fill with the air that you’re grateful to breathe. Your mind goes to your stomach that seems to be habituated by a butterfly of sorts, fluttering around, a sign your nervous system is worked up. You try to pinpoint why – as the music blares overhead – with lyrics whose meaning you relate too based on your own interpretation. You try to sway to distract yourself; to convince yourself that you can be calm. But you’re not and you’re drawn to your plush white bed – a stark contrast to your current state – where you can just sleep it off, pretending these feelings don’t exist, hoping to wake up on a side of the bed different than the one you tucked yourself into.
Because deep down you know but the last person you want to admit it to is yourself. That you are the architect of your own misery; that the person who is the most intimate with you is the you trust the least. That he is so not the one for you no matter how hard you try to fake it. That you actually feel worse and anxious at the idea of him, than better and comfortable.
We often stay put in situations waiting for a presumed better other to come along, but as we are status-quoing it with another, we are – unbeknownst to us – becoming less attractive to others. At bars and eves out with friends, instead of being available and approachable we are checking and then re-checking our phones. Our head’s not in the moment because it’s trying to figure its way around the current situation and how we got here in the first place. We’re therefore not as perky and confident and magnetic as we once were; we now come alongside baggage. We’re now having to excuse ourselves if we’re lucky enough to meet another (even for an hour or a convo over a drink) to go attend to this other who is waiting on us.
Sure you can ask your friends for tips on how to walk away and break free for once and for all. Sure you can read this blog for tips and tricks on how to own up to yourself and admit you’re in a dead-end situation. But until you accept it for what it is, you’ll keep going back. You’ll keep isolating others, or a specific other who could just be the best thing for you.
– Jenny Jen
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